Everything in this LJ is true.

Talking about life...November 5th

2009-11-05T12:53:07Z

I was about to go into the local nightclub when the bouncer stopped me. He wanted some proof that I was old enough to join in the collective booty shaking of the nightclub, so I ripped off my shirt, revealing long locks of chest hair. It was good enough, and the bouncer let me in.

The best thing about going to a night club is that I can always feel safe because I can party hard while Batman is on duty. If any wily thief tries to steal my sweet dance moves, Batman will take care of the criminal. He takes care of all criminals, except the ones who commit their crimes during the daytime (that's why in 3rd grade the big stupid bully got away with my lunch money).

The blackness of the night isn't only for teenagers looking for a good time or fictional superheroes looking for a bad guy. It is also useful for when the sun is tired of shining on one side of the world, so he says, "Hey you. I like you all and stuff, but I just don't see this working out for tonight. Maybe we'll talk tomorrow morning?"

Talking about life...August 24th

2009-08-25T01:40:10Z

When I went downstairs to the living room, I saw my family's prized vase, La Vasé de Figarõ, in pieces. I was shocked. The vase was made out of titanium and stainless steel, making it easy to wash, but not easy to break! My parents spent a great deal of money buying the beautiful vase, through 7 easy payments of $999.99 (by VISA).

But wait, there's more to this travesty. In the next ten minutes, I found broken windows, crumpled newspapers, and a gun all FREE...of fingerprints. I instantly dialed 1-800-The-COPS. Once again, that's 1-800-THE-COPS.

When the police arrived, I said, "Officer, there has been a big problem."

The cop looked at the mess and grinned, "And have I got a solution for you! Just fill out this form on property damage; it as easy as 1, 2, 3. Simply detail the damage, the estimated time of day it happened, and sign your name and voila! We'll take it from there."

"Hold on one second, this sounds a bit too easy on my part. What's stopping me from hiring a private investigator?" I asked.

"Well, private investigators sometimes take years to solve a case because they have their hands full. Here at the police department, we have many detectives working hard to solve YOUR mystery. Also, a private investigator can cost thousands of dollars while YOU don't pay US ANYTHING until April 15th.

"Wow," said I, impressed.

Talking about life...January 3rd

2009-01-04T00:01:21Z

It's the New Year and I'm feeling great. Hello-o nine, goodbye two thousand and eight!

Sure, the New Year happened January first and it is January third right now, but I didn't think about making resolutions until today. Here are my resolutions for 2009.

1. Spend more time with myself. I have dozens of family members, hundreds of friends, thousands of children (not considered my family since they're all bastards), and billions of fans, but there is only one me.

2. Raise awareness. Do you know that millions of people do not know who Joe Samaniskowsky is? For the uninformed, Joe Samaniskowsky is over 300 years old (I don't know his exact age, but I do know that he bought the Mayflower from the pilgrims in America and sold the boat to Christopher Columbus who needed a way back to Spain from India).

3. Fix the economy. As an American, it is my patriotic duty to help the failing American economy. The first step is to inform the Secretary of Treasury that there is gold at the end of rainbow. Then the Secretary of Treasury convinces the military to give me good men and sexy women for a covert ops mission to steal rainbows from the terrorists and countries that America doesn't like until we have enough gold to pay off the National Debt and all the mortages!

4. Change careers. All my life I've wanted to be a journalist (which is why I made the livejournal in the first place). However, after seeing a video of a journalist being eaten by cannnibals, I have decided to become a hatemail writer and internet spammer.

5. Break a promise. So I promised this girl that I'd be with her forever, except I'm going to live forever and she's not and I don't want to hold hands with a corpse in 80 years, so I'm gonna have to tell her that sometime this year.
---
Oh yeah so yesterday my friend said, "Your livejournal doesn't make sense."
And I was like, "Yeah because it makes dollars!"
And she said, "You're crazy."
And I was like, "For you!"
And then she said, "I love you."
And then I hugged her.

Talking about life...December 15th

2008-12-16T01:56:24Z

Monday is a school day and a school day means an update day!

Government- It was raining outside, and the roof started to leak, so the teacher ordered a classmate to stand underneath the leak and open his mouth because there were no buckets around.

English- I finally realized that the teacher was always annoyed at me because I never wrote my essays in English.

Orchestra- A lot of people don't actually play any instrument during this class. Some people just print out a picture of an instrument and hold it during class to fool the teacher.

Math- instant poodles

Finite- The teacher laughed when he said, "Finite will give you a fright!" Then he transformed into a million bats which devoured the kid sitting behind me.

Physics- We had a quiz today. It was very hard because the teacher only passed out a blank sheet of paper and told us to write the answers.

Talking about life...November 30th

2008-11-30T12:30:16Z

There are jobs that requires a lotta guts to work with. Like being a surgeon

I always see these depressing stories on the news, like "Drunk driver paralyzed from car crash." I think I'll start a newspaper titled Hope that will consist of nothing but happy stories. Headlines include:
"Hiker does not get bitten by a rattle snake today"
"Nobody dies in this movie" (movie review)
"Cranky old man smiles in bowling alley on his birthday"
"No alien invasions today"
Or maybe put a positive spin on the sad stories. Instead of "Drunk driver paralyzed from car crash," we can say "Man ends alcohol abuse after accident." Well, because he's paralyzed so he can't drink...but at least he's not a raging alcoholic anymore right?

I hear strange slogans from time to time, like take a bite out of crime. What? We're supposed to bite, then ingest it and let crime flow into our blood? Because that's what happens when you eat anything. It goes into your bloodstream, and I do not want to let the crime spread to different parts of my body.

I'm like a rocket ship. I don't really know why I wrote that but my toe just exploded and little trolls are walking out of my bleeding foot.

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend. I wish we could be. I mean, she was unique, one in a million. Meaning that there's around 6,600 girls exactly like her on this planet. I guess that makes me feel better.

Tomorrow marks the 4th birthday of this journal. I used to update at the rate my cells clone themselves. Now I don't, but I still update faster than your menstrual cycle (two times faster, in fact).

I hate crying. I think if we're really down, our eyes should emit heat rays that will destroy anything causing our sadness. The only cool thing we got out of evolution is a brain and a large portion of our population barely uses that. Heat vision...everyone would be using that stuff.

I'm done for today. The little parasite inside my pancreas thinks so too.

Talking about life...November 27th

2008-11-27T22:49:04Z

Today is Thanksgiving, so here is the story of the Native Americans and the Pilgrims.

Once upon a time, a group of 7 Pilgrims left India to prove that the world was round and not flat like your girlfriend's chest. However, when the Pilgrims set sail, 4 of them got scurvy and died. The remaining pilgrims arrived at New York City, proving that the world was round.

Because there were only 3 pilgrims left, they could not operate a ship to return to India. They were all heterosexual males, and in their loneliness they built a giant statue of a woman and called her the Statue of Liberty, since they were at liberty to do anything they wanted to her.

The Native Americans felt sorry for the Pilgrims. They decided to share some of their secrets like making the bean burrito. Thanks to the Natives, the Pilgrims survived the winter.

"Because we helped you survive, you must give us your statue," ordered the main Native American chief. Because the pilgrims were still single, they refused.

"We'll give you our finest ladies," offered the chief. The pilgrims obliged. Then the captain of the pilgrims sent a letter via Pony Express to his children in England and his wife in India and his parents in New Jersey saying that the Native Americans were "aiight."

Talking about life...September 9th

2008-09-10T05:03:07Z

So today I was getting a haircut, except the barber was a Communist Soviet spy who didn't realize the Cold War was over. In the middle of the trimming process, the barber shoved a pair of tweezers into my nostril.

"Capitalist pig, if you do not tell me the secrets of the Pentagon, I will pluck out a nose hair."

In my confusing, I thought he was talking about the geometric shape, not about the headquarters of the Department of Defense. I tried listing out facts as quickly as possible.

"A pentagon has 5 sides?"
*pluck*
"Ouch! Uhh, the interior angles of a regular pentagon is 108 degrees?"
*pluck*
"Stop it I'll tell you everything! Like a road sign the shape of a pentagon is usually used for school crossing!"
*pluck*

Blood trickled from my nose, but the Soviet spy began to lose patience. He yelled into my hairless ear that all the information I was spitting out was completely useless.

I decided to take drastic measures to escape from my torturer, and so I inhaled the tweezers and ran out the door, removing the tweezers from my trachea when I was a safe distance away from the barber shop.

Then to my horror I realized that I ran out before my hair was completely cut, and thus I was standing in the middle of town with completely uneven hair.

Talking about life...September 6

2008-09-06T19:00:58Z

My home phone and cell phone started ringing at the same time. I panicked. If someone were calling my cell phone, then it's probably some girl who either needs homework help or [hopefully] a bareback massage. However, the home phone can be a call from the library because I totally forgot that I had several overdue books.

I couldn't decide; giving a bareback massage to a girl was worth forgetting about my overdue books, but giving her homework help wasn't. My heart pounded against my chest like a drummer during the Revolutionary War. The pressure to pick up the phones became so extreme
that I began to scream
"a massage or books to redeem?"
oh god i'm only a teen
i can't make these life decisions
i gotta make a plan: no revisions
gotta understand
no going back
a one way track
the phones are singing
my ears are ringing
oh what the hell
gonna pick up my cell

By the time I answered my cell phone the call was already over. Luckily, there was a voice message. It was the librarian demanding a bareback massage.

Talking about life...September 4th

2008-09-05T02:12:35Z

Government- The problem with a government is that everyone wants it to change but most people don't do anything to change it. This statement also applies to the seating arrangement of my government class: everyone wants to sit by me, but not everyone is willing to fight to the death to sit in kissing range of me.

English- The teacher read a poem about a brave soldier who shot a silly goose.

Orchestra- So the cello has a thing for bigger instruments so it had a crush on the bass, but the bass only wanted to be just friends, and so the cello played the saddest song ever which made all the other instruments want to weep (instruments don't have tears though).

Math- Countagious

Finite- The teacher turned off all the lights. When he turned the lights back on there was a bomb in the middle of the classroom and the subsequent explosion destroyed everything except for my pants.

Physics- During class my friend out of boredom started spinning around a lot, got dizzy, and then threw up onto someone's homemade catapult which launched the vomit onto my homework.

Talking about school...September 3rd

2008-09-04T05:49:54Z

Wow, school is starting again, and I have no idea why!

Government- The teacher told us that his favorite form of government was torture. When a kid raised his hand to correct the teacher, he was black bagged and dragged away, kicking and screaming.

English- Every year I have an English class, and yet every year the teacher thinks it's funny to start off the class by saying "Bonjour." It's not.

Orchestra- There's so much drama going on in this room (even though the drama room is next door). Like my friend found his violin eloping with his teacher's viola so now it's really really awkward when my friends plays his violin.

Math- barn

Finite- Finite is an interesting class. The only thing this class is about is finding out what this class is about.

Physics- The teacher aimed his particle accelerator at a classmate's face, and we all thought his head was gonna explode and the pieces of his head would accelerate at different directions at 40 m/s^2 before falling and reaching terminal velocity. Everyone was disappointed when the machine only changed his genetic make-up. That's too biology related, and we're here for physics.

Talking about life...August 22nd

2008-08-22T22:48:39Z

Extreme Livejournal Makeover: Internet Edition
Produced by Miss Marla Caroline, Andrew Jones's number one fan

Like OMG this background is SOOOO boring and the font yells out "CONFORMIST" so like let's change that.

WOW THIS IS SOO GOOD OMG. But the text needs some help!

AWESOME! So now you can see that the white obviously works with the pink. The font "cursive" may be a misleading title, but it doesn't mislead my style! I'm loving it. Let's move on

Okay so CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT. I'm reading this livejournal and I don't...you know...FEEEEL IT. You gotta feel a livejournal if you wanna enjoy it! Now how to we get the reader to feel it? EASY, BLOOD AND GUTS!

Dear Livejournal, today I cut myself again...in the intestines.

NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

Okay but not EVERYTHING is violent. We only have 2 intestines you know, so we can't use that line every day. How about something EVERYONE feels and relates to? SHOPPING!

Dear Livejournal, today I cut myself again...in the intestines. But luckily my awesome graphic Tee from Abercrombie TOTALLY covered it up and like it was orange so I was like hmmm, what goes good with orange? JEANS OF COURSE!

Now you're getting that momentum, since everyone loves a nice tight pair of jeans on a nice tight boy. But wait! it's a bit too professional so far, and professionalism is BOOOOOOORING so let's downgrade...to upgrade.

Dear LJ, xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD xD I cut myself :(((( xD xD xD xD xD xD SHOPPING JEANS!

PERFECT, now when ANDREW JONES logs on he'll LOVE IT!

TOODLES! -Miss Caroline ;D

Edit: No I don't

Talking about life...July 26th

2008-07-26T09:47:51Z

Back in my college days, when people still called me Andy Jones, I dated a girl named Andie. We didn't really like each other in that way, but we stayed together because we enjoyed the compliments others gave us in regards to our relationship.

"Andy and Andie. Awww, you two are so cute together! Can I take a picture?"

However, like everyone else stuck in a relationship, we had arguments.
"Andie, sometimes I don't think you're telling me the truth, especially when you lie."
"I'm sorry Andrew."
I slapped her. "DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME THAT. I AM ANDY!" I ripped off my shirt and we held hands for hours.

I really liked her name too.

I remember during summer I was home and Andie sneaked into my room. Then my parents were like, "ANDY TIME FOR DINNER" AND THEN LOL GET THIS: ANDIE WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY PARENTS WERE LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A GIRL

and then it was REALLY FUNNNY because they didn't know that we were dating so theN MY MOM was like "OH MY GOD ARE YOU GOING TO CARRY MY SONS??" to Andie and Andie decided to joke around and was like "IT'S OKAY MRS JONES YOUR SON has been USING a condom" and then MY PARENTS TOTALLY FLIPPED.

THEY DID A BACKFLIP AND THEN HIT MY LITTLE BROTHER WITH A SPATULA IT WAS INSAAAAAANE

then out of NOWHERE I APPEARED AND WAS LIKE

"Hey mom, dad, it's cool. We're just kidding." My parents came to their senses and started laughing. "Oh Andie, it's nice of you to join us for dinner then." But my little brother was angry because he got hit by a spatula.

The moral of the story is that condom jokes hurt people.

Except it's not a friggin story because it's my love life, so go away. I'm in love.

Talking about life...July 10th

2008-07-11T07:04:44Z

► Write answers and change questions if you want.

► Change any answers if you want and then change questions.

o1| What has summer been like so far?

It's like being naked in a jacuzzi except instead of hot water it's filled with macaroni and cheese and a yellow rubber ducky.

o2| What do you do before bedtime?

Bedtime? I don't sleep on a bed anymore. I sleep on the chests and bellies of my many girlfriends.

o3| What will your dream wedding be like?

Polygamous

o4| What is the city of your dreams and why?

Fremont, California. It's the stupid city that I live in, and thus where most of my dreams take place. Oh but once I had a funny dream where I was in Fremont and my parents were like "git that gator outta my lawn" and I was like "y'all better be indoors cuz this gator ain't got no keys to our house" and my parents were like "ain't jesus ever told you no nothing bout no gators operatin' no doors, how'd you git to be so smart" and I was like "Screw you guys, Fremont isn't in the Deep South. I'm waking up."

o5| Are you an introvert or extrovert?

I'm a pervert.

o6| What are you going to do today?

First, I'm going to situate myself onto a bicycle, superglue one hand to a car, and use the other hand to hold a box of pizza. If anyone complains that "Andrew's 30 Minute Pizza Delivery on Bicycle" had false advertising, I'll superglue the pizza to their face.

o7| Do you trust easily?

Yes. If the girl says she's 18...

o8| If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

I'd be sad...but if you don't move on as fast as life does, you're wasting more opportunities to laugh with the friends you love, opportunities to uncover the mysteries of the world you live in, and opportunities to assassinate that girl's boyfriend, or at least superglue pizza to his face.

o9| Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

my toe exploded

1o| What is your best quality?

my exploding_toe...but it's also my worst quality

11| Is being tagged fun?

It depends on where I get tagged.

12| How do you see yourself?

With a mirror. I also see myself as unoriginal because of that joke.

13| Who are currently the most important people to you?

Airbud

14| What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

hoshiga? The kind of person I think she is is a kind person.

15| Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

16| How many children do you want to have, if any?

If there is even .00001% chance of having a daughter, then 0.

17| What's better to give or to receive?

Does this sentence need punctuation?

18| What's in your purse?

testosterone

19| Would you have 100% safe sex with a stranger for $10,000,000?

I'd do it with an animal for that kinda money. A party animal!

20| What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite gender?

Aborted fetuses get no names.

Talking about life...May 30th

2008-05-30T08:14:18Z

"Hello platonic male friend whom I feel comfortable talking to. Because we have spoken to each other before, I believe we can reach the next level of friendship by spilling our secrets to one another. Of course, if you have even the slightest hint of showing more interest in me than I can tolerate, I will tell everyone how bad of a person you are and avoid you for the rest of my life," said a friend who was a girl but made a clear distinction that she was not my girlfriend.

"Okay, so what's your secret?" I asked, with no intentions of making a move on this girl (named Luna).

"I have a crush on your friend," she declared. "And no, this is not an attempt to pretend I have a crush on someone else in order to get closer to you."

"Which friend?" I asked, "Is it Joe? Because he's not into your type."

The girl laughed. "No silly, I have a crush on your friend Sasha!"

"But Sasha's a girl."

She raised an eyebrow threateningly. "Do you have a problem with that?"

I took a step back. "Oh no, not at all. It's just that the last time I checked, she's not a lesbian."

Luna took a step forward. "Yeah, and the last time I checked, I wasn't into girls either, but guess what? I TOTALLY AM!"

I took two steps back. "Yeah, okay I'm just not gonna help set you up for disappointment, you know."

Luna took two steps forward. "Well that's why I'm getting you to help me. You be my boyfriend, and you be her girlfriend as well. Then she 'finds out' that you're 'cheating on' her, and she and I will team up against you. Our hate against you will turn into love for one another."

Okay so now she wanted to be my girlfriend, and it really seemed like she was using her crush to get closer to me. Our little maneuvers also looked like we were doing the tango, but it was far less romantic and smooth.

"What the heck? That's totally absurd! I'll never agree to that because One: that's confusing and stupid, Two: it will never work, and more importantly Three: I don't get anything out of this."

Luna glared at me. She told me that she loved me, but she loved Sasha so much more. She felt that she could spend 9 months having a biological child with me, but she'd rather spend a lifetime raising adopted children with Sasha. She'd go skydiving with me, but she'd rather go tandem with Sasha. Luna said so many things: none of which really made sense to me, and I ended up being kinda confused.

In the end, all I heard was: Sasha. Sasha. Sasha.

"Okay so you're saying that I'm a cool guy, but Sasha's so much cooler than me."

"Naturally."

"Why are you saying that? Aren't you trying to get me to help you?" I asked.

"Because she's so wonderful and lovely, even you would do anything for her I bet."

I laughed, because the only girl I'd do anything for was a ten year old girl called MY SISTER. And...she wasn't around.

"Oh yeah," said Luna, "and the reason why I'm totally sure you'll help me is because...I'm holding your sister hostage."

I sighed. Dang it.

Talking about life...May 25th

2008-05-25T21:35:23Z

A story about two best friends
---
There was a story about two best friends. It was a pretty good story, so the author of the story sent it to his best friend. His best friend really liked the story, which was good because that gave the author some self confidence to continue the story.

Unfortunately, the author's best friend was really a fake best friend, and the faker sent the rough draft to an editor under his own name.

Conveniently, the author's name was Arthur, and his former best friend, the fake author, was a wily Frenchman named Le Faux.

Arthur was furious when he found out Le Faux was not only stealing his material, but also profiting off the theft!

Arthur called Le Faux over the phone and exclaimed, "How could you steal my story? I thought we were best friends!"

Le Faux snickered Frenchly, and stroked his mustache.

"Au contraire, my dear croissant, I borrowed your story, oui oui. But I do not have le time to chat chat, oui? Bon voyage, little croissant," replied Le Faux in his thick French accent before hanging up.

Arthur rushed to the airport to stop Le Faux. He made a lucky guess as to where Le Faux was heading (France), and confronted the French thief.

"Give back my papers, Le Faux!" Arthur roared in an epic voice.

"Why so loud? Do you think you are Monsieur King Arthur? If you are, then I am Madame Joan of Arc! Oui Oui!" Le Faux snickered Frenchly at his own joke.

Arthur was so disgusted that he punched Le Faux in the face. Subsequently, Le Faux's beret fell off, revealing brilliant red hair. A minute later, Le Faux's fake French mustache fell off as well. Arthur was shocked.

"You're not French. You're a...fake!" cried Arthur.

Le Faux rolled his eyes. Duh.

Talking about life...May 2nd

2008-05-03T04:18:31Z

I held her hand tightly, not wanting to let go.

"Andrew, you're crushing my fingers," she whimpered, a tear forming in the corner of her eye.

"You don't need hands, woman," I responded.

The girl started crying. "You sexist pig! Why can't I stop loving you??"

Wanting to cheer her up, I turned up my nose and started making pig sounds. "Oink oink, I'm a sexist pig. Oink oink."

She started laughing, wiping away her tears with her one free hand. "Andrew..."

I let go of her broken hand. "I'm sorry," I said.

"It's okay," she whispered. And we embraced.

"Uh Andrew, you're crushing my body...."

Talking about life...April 24th

2008-04-24T08:33:32Z

An Analytical Perspective of My Personal Philosophy on Our Mortality

Old grouchy people often say "Life is short." I find this very very untrue, using the concepts of BFFs (an acronym for Best Friends Forevers).

At the very least, people have around 3 best friends forevers per life span. Assuming that they cannot have 2 best friends at once (or else they won't be the BEST), we deduce from the evidence that the person has lived forever 3 times in a row! If triple eternity is considered "short," then baby, I don't wanna know what long feels like!

In other news, all of my friends are experiencing a psychological effect known as "Not Appreciating Andrew Enough" disease. It's a dangerous affliction that could lead to eventual death (meaning that you'll die eventually).

The cure to the illness is simple. All my friends really need to do to avoid dying someday is to acknowledge everything lovely about me. Here's a good example:

"Hi, I'm [name]. In all the [single digit number]teen years that I've lived, I've had so many experiences, and sometimes I'm just amazed at the beauty and luck that surrounds me. I've had ups and downs, with and without my friends, yet in all these years, I still don't know what I'm doing about my future. Andrew is great."

It's really simple.
-----
There's a lot of unreasonable people. The other day I was at a sun-block lotion store, yet they didn't sell any sun-block. All they had were guns and roses and tigers.

It really pisses me off though. Like it's a sun-block lotion store, where I want to get sun-block. I don't want a tiger.

Actually I really really want a tiger.

Talking about life...April 1st

2008-04-02T03:19:46Z

I'm ugly.

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talking about life...March 28th

2008-03-29T03:57:10Z

Although most people use a horse or a car or a car in the shape of a horse to travel, there are many people like me who use their imaginations to go places.

Yesterday, my imagination took me to London. Unfortunately, my imagination got carried away and was killed by a few thugs in London.

Because I did not want to fight the British on their homeland, I decided to leave the British thugs alone and rebuild my imagination. I asked the great wizard named "Wizard" to help me. [I'm sorry, I can't think of a better name without my imagination.]

Wizard, the great wizard, told me that in order to rebuild my imagination, I must gather up:
8 cell phone cameras
2 gallons of tissues
6 kilograms of snake legs
3 laser beams

As I collected the items and put them in my fanny pack, I realized with horror that I didn't know where I was!

"WHERE AM I???" I asked the sky.

The sky threw a cloud at me and told me to be quiet. She was busy trying to cover herself up with clouds from those perverts who just stare at her with telescopes.

With the clouds covering the sky and the sun, it turned dark, and I wandered onto a beach, where I saw an angry ocean. The ocean was angry because he was a pervert who had a crush on the sky, and the sky was covering herself up like a decent person. I ran away from the beach because you do not want to be around an angry pervert in the dark.

I was bored because the adventure was going nowhere, so I flew to Asia. The Asians were really nice.

Then I went to the zoo and decided to do a workout with the animals. The penguins got mad at me because I could bench press more than them, and the parrot with the broken wings was depressed when I beat her in a running race. The zookeeper, a bare bear, kicked me out with his foot.

I was really lonely, so I called up a few boyfriends, but they were all deaf so talking to them over the phone was too hard.

Then someone held a knife up to me and said, "Give me your wallet or else I'll cut off your feet." I exploded my toe in his face. He said, "That's so gross!" and went home to take a shower.

Talking about life...March 11th

2008-03-12T05:06:49Z

I am in high school. Sometimes, my schoolmates forget about how to be happy. So I have decided to write a me-help-you entry:
How to Be Happy, By Andrew Jones

Part 1: Academically Happy

One time, a young girl tugged on my sleeve to get my attention. When I asked her what she wanted, she pulled out a knife and stuck it into my heart. The girl ran away. Luckily, I remembered everything about the human heart from 9th grade biology, and thus with a nearby porcupine quill and some grass, I was able to stitch my broken heart together.

Study hard, and you will live.

Part 2: Socially Happy

1. Create/choose a special song with your close friends. When you're feeling down, you can start singing that song, and your friends will join along to create an awesome mini singing group!
2. Throw a surprise birthday party for a random friend, even if it's not on his/her birthday!
3. Wear sunscreen to protect yourself from harmful UV rays!
4. And I said, "What about Breakfast At Tiffany's," she said "I think that's extremely pricy." So yeah, not a great idea. UNLESS YOU LOVE HER!
5. Adopt a hairstyle that resembles a cloud, so that when people look at the clouds, they think of you!

Part 3: Happy with your self image

Take off all of your clothes in front of me, and I swear I will go up to you, gently grasp your hand and whisper in your ear, "You are a beautiful man/woman." If that doesn't help your self image, shoot yourself; you're hopeless.

Part 4: LOVE

Wandering around the campus of my high school, I decided to ask people about love and relationships. One girl commented, "Well it was really weird when I found out my boyfriend was also my biological father. It was complicated enough when he was just my teacher."

Another boy broke up with his girlfriend because of family issues. He recalls, "Well, both of my parents turned gay, so I might become gay too. I decided to take the safest action and break up with my girl before she sees my transformation to gayness. By the way, those are some nice tight jeans you're wearing; I have like 12 rad pairs of those from Abercrombie and Fitch."

Of course, some loves problems are relationships that could not be. A good friend of mine started, "She doesn't love me..." I left before he finished.

Sometimes love turns into anger. Wild, passionate anger. About a week ago, a boy and his girlfriend shared their first kiss. However, during the kiss the boy felt the bristles from his girlfriend's facial hair. The boy got so turned off and angry that he threw her to the ground and started kicking at her sides. The bruises and tears started forming while the girl helplessly cried out "I'm sorry I'm sorry! Please stop please please..." Later on, her despair turned into anger, and she took out a grenade and pulled the pin, killing the young couple instantly.

But here's an uplifting love story about marriage. A 20 year old woman and her 11 year old brother...were able to reunite their separated parents by pretending to be terrorists who threatened to blow up Las Vegas if their parents did not remarry. When their parents agreed, they became one happy family full of love and Las Vegas was saved from a terrorist attack. Then again, none of them are in high school so that doesn't really apply to this entry at all.

Talking about life...February 4th

2008-02-05T08:28:39Z

As I walked into the local grocery store, I saw that the interior of the store had vastly changed. All of the employees were replaced by humans. The original employees, my woodland animal friends who had worked so hard to build and maintain the store, were nowhere to be found.

I demanded to see the manager of the store.

"I demand to see the manager of this store," I said, demanding to see the manager of the store. However, upon hearing my demands to see the manager of the store, everyone in the store suddenly became eerily quiet for a moment.

"Did he really demand to see the manager of the store?" one employee whispered.

Another employee confirmed that I had really demanded to see the manager of the store.

"Yeah, he really demanded to see the manager of the store."

Just then the manager of the store came out of his office, demanding to know who demanded to see him.

"I demand to know who demanded to see me," he said.

"Where are my woodland creature friends??" I asked.

"Ha! You'll never find them!" responded the evil manager.

I was determined.

"Oh yes I will find them!" I said.

~~The manager~~ The evil manager smiled.

"I am evil," said the manager, smiling.

"I am good," I said.

"Then we must fight."

I was fighting to save my woodland creature friends, but I did not fight well.

"You do not fight well."

"I know."

"You're wasting my time. I have a store to take care of."

"Okay I'm sorry. Just point to me where my woodland creature friends are."

"Oh they're in aisle 17."

I found out that aisle 17 was the frozen meat section.

Talking about life...January 17th

2008-01-18T09:18:55Z

I told my friends that today I had found my true love. They all scoffed at me.

"You say that every week, Andrew."

What they said was true, but I argued anyway.

"This time it's for real. The other times were just physical attraction. But she..." I yelled out her name to the sky before I continued. "She's so smart, self-confident, interesting, talented..." I struggled to come up with more adjectives of praise that didn't have to do with her face or boobs or butt.

I could see the bored looks on their faces and their eyes rolling; they had heard the same speech 52 times a year, just with different names.

"Incidentally, she's also another hottie. What a surprise," my friend paused. "Andrew, you're disgusting."

"No seriously, like I can tell this isn't fake because like whenever you lust after someone you just fantasize them naked or dream about yourself doing them every night. Not this time. I love her...I really do. There's a big difference between lust and love."

"Uhhh..." My friend had a pained expression on his face. "What the f-"

Just then she walked past us. "Hi Andrew." she said.

"Oh hey! I walk home this way too. Oh can I hold your books? I need to check something in chapter 12 anyway."

With her books cradled in my arms, I accompanied her when a man in a monkey suit leaped from the bushes onto the sidewalk, right in front of us.

"Halt. What be your names?" asked the man in the monkey suit.

"Uh, I'm Andrew."

"And the girl?"

"Helena."

The man nodded slowly. Then his monkey tail twitched and he suddenly turned his head toward the books I was carrying. "I am hungry," he said, pointing at the books. "Give them to me."

"I...can't, these are hers," I said, but Helena told me that it was okay. I reluctantly handed the books over to the man in the monkey suit, and then gave Helena a weak smile.

The weirdo grinned from ear to ear. "Finally! I was starving!" He took the books and set them on the ground. Then he sat on the books, pulled out a sandwich from his monkey shaped backpack, and proceeded to eat his sandwich.

"It's so hard to do anything in this monkey suit. I can't even stand and eat at the same time! Oh, and sorry about your books, I just don't want to sit on the ground and get my new costume dirty. I'll give them back as soon as I finish my lunch."

After a few minutes, he stopped eating and then said "Uh oh" before farting right on top of Helena's new textbooks. Helena's face contorted with disgust and said, "You can keep the books." Then she walked away. I stayed put.

When she was out of sight, the man in the monkey suit looked at me and said, "Andrew, this has got to be the worst plan yet. Seriously man, a monkey suit??"

"Hey, we got the books without really stealing or defacing them," I responded, once again defending my stupid rationale. "Besides, everything went as planned. You don't even deserve 50% of the profits."

Later on, we sold the books in an online auction, but the amount we earned was not equivalent to how much we spent on the monkey suit. We tried to sell the monkey suit too, but nobody wanted it.

Within a week, Helena found out that my friend in the monkey suit and I set her up, and so she never talked to me again.
---
You know I really did like her though.

Talking about life...January 6th

2008-01-06T23:51:29Z

TEN RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME:
1. My name is Andrew Jones.
2. I am Seventeen Years old.
3. I am handsome.
4. I am strong.
5. And I know we'll get along.
6. I have 20 girlfriends.
7. And I love them all.
8. I am rich.
9. I am smart.
10. And I'll be your sweet tart (will you be my #21?).

NINE PLACES I'VE VISITED:
1. www.livejournal.com
2. www.digg.com
3. www.facebook.com
4. www.xanga.com
5. www.nytimes.com
6. www.youtube.com
7. www.en.wikipedia.org
8. www.whitehouse.gov
9. www.google.com

EIGHT THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Write a chapter in the Bible.
2. Write an "About the Author" page in the Qur'an
3. Govern an anarchist nation.
4. Give back the Martians the $15 dollars that I owe them from a long time ago (hopefully they don't charge interest).
5. Find religion.
6. Then smack it in the butt.
7. Vote for a homosexual transgender, multi-ethnic atheist Republican conservative president in the United States who was born in a different country.
8. Make a test so hard that everyone will fear "Jones' test"

SEVEN WAYS TO WIN MY HEART:
1. Be a woman.
2. Be a woman.
3. Be a woman.
4. Be a woman.
5. Be a woman.
6. Be unrelated to me by blood.
7. Actually, I'm actually going to donate my organs when I die, and my heart goes to the highest bidder. Whoever wins my heart has to donate all proceedings to my funeral (which will have a platinum casket with LEDs and fireworks and will be bigger than the friggin Macy's parade)

SIX ~~THINGS~~ HOT HANDSOME HUNKALICIOUS PEOPLE I BELIEVE IN:
1. Andrew Jones
2. Anjoe the Banjo
3. Joe Samaniskowsky
4. exploding_toe
5. Robo Joe 4.0
6. the azn eskimo

FIVE THINGS I'M AFRAID OF:
1. your parents when I come over for a love-making session
2. actually, just your parents in general
3. ponies
4. implosions
5. One of that five things that I'm afraid of are people who restate an answer when they don't need to.

FOUR OF MY FAVORITE ITEMS IN MY BEDROOM:
1. girlfriend #4
2. girlfriend #18
3. girlfriend #17
4. girlfriend #12

~~THREE~~ FOUR THINGS I DO EVERYDAY:
1. girlfriend #4
2. girlfriend #18
3. girlfriend #17
4. girlfriend #12

TWO THINGS I AM NOT TRYING TO DO RIGHT NOW:
1. girlfriend #13
2. girlfriend #19 (ever since the operation...)

ONE PERSON I WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW:
1. Myself

Talking about life...December 25th

2007-12-25T17:26:33Z

Merry Christmas!

Sorry, short entry today. For Christmas, Santa rounded up several sexy female underwear models but wasn't able to deliver them to my house with his sleigh because the reindeer got too excited, so now I have to fly to the North Pole to meet my girls.

Talking about life...November 29th

2007-11-30T00:18:12Z

I found a dead cat today. I could not help but stare at it, but then it stared back at me and started talking.

"Save me...OW!" said the cat in pain. Unfortunately, I did not hear the first word, so I thought the cat was just meowing. I smiled at how cute the cat was and walked off.

I walked off instead of saving an animal in pain, and karma decided to even things out and punish me through a series of tortures.
---
Torture 1: Psychological torture. Karma decided to torture me psychologically by making my psychology class EXTRA boring today.

Torture 2: Emotional turmoil. Trying to stay awake for the remainder of the day after a boring psychology class, I decided to go for a swim. However, I realized only too late that I was swimming in a pool of estrogen, and thus my hormones became imbalanced, and I became very moody and emotional.

Torture 3: Physical pain. A mosquito bit me and now it's very itchy.

Torture 4: Social shaming. I was changing in the locker room when a few girls snuck into the locker room to check out my beautiful buttocks. However, they pointed out that I had accidentally worn panties instead of briefs. I was humiliated: the great and manly Andrew Jones had worn girl clothes!

Torture 5: Torture of temptation. The nice lady from across the street offered me some fresh, extra salty, and wonderful smelling pony meat, but I was allergic to ponies. Although I had an internal struggle, my hunger and inner desires took over me, and I devoured the pony meat. My stomach imploded.

Torture 6: Sleep deprivation. I was angry at the world for being so mean (maybe it was from the estrogen) so I decided to be mean back by depriving different people from a good night of sleep, but I ended up staying awake for 3 days straight trying to keep others from sleeping.